How to Forgive Someone When Your Heart is Hurting

Life on our farm has seen its fair share of medical adventures over the last 29 years. From staples and stitches, to broken bones and big surgeries, we’ve seen it all. There’s a list of wounds a mile long and plenty of scars to prove it.

Do you have a list of heartaches a mile long or spiritual wounds on your soul from years gone by? Are you struggling with how to forgive someone who has deeply hurt you?

How to Forgive Someone When Your Heart is Hurting

Abuse, betrayal, jealousy, anger, gossip, envy, and strife; the list goes on. Each one carries the weight of sin, and inflicts untold damage into your heart and mind. While their sin against you is truly awful, the damage unforgiveness is causing you is just as heinous as the original pain. Unforgiveness makes things doubly worse not better.

Are you miserable because your heartache keeps you in a cycle?

It has been said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. True. 

Believer, my guess is that you’re losing more sleep over this than they are. 

There’s hope.

Chances are the person who hurt you has moved on and you are stuck right where it happened. 

There’s a better way.

Have their hurtful words caused you to retaliate and bring a whole new set of hurt to the table?

It’s time to do some heart work.

What can you do when a band-aid isn’t big enough to heal your heartache? Here are three steps you can take towards forgiving someone who hurt you, and four practical tips to help you heal.

1. Let God In.

God already knows your heartache and has the healing balm ready for you, but first you need to have a deep conversation with Him. He has overheard the conversations behind your back, witnessed everything you couldn’t, and knows the intentions behind every ugly act or word. He knows it all. He is intimately involved in every detail and has the power to turn horrendous things around for good.

God sees on a heart level. God is omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent, which makes Him your ultimate confidante, friend, and defender.

Believer, you’ve carried your burdens on your own for long enough. When you take your burdens and heartaches before a Holy God, you won’t have to bear them alone. He delights to carry what you can’t. He’s your Emmanuel, God With You, and He is the only one who can help you move forward in victory.

Have you told God in real physical words exactly why you are having a hard time forgiving that person? Hand over your list of wounds and let God deal with it. 

How?

Set aside specific time to be quiet (or scream and cry!) before God and lay it all out with spoken and written words. Grab a new journal and write down every ugly thought, every ugly detail, and every nasty moment. Leave no stone unturned, leave nothing unmentioned, and don’t hold back. Lay it all before the Lord because you can’t white-knuckle it on your own. It will have a soul-cleansing effect.

God is good at turning those tables over and He is the only powerful enough to take up your cause. Self-help books, webinars, and therapy are certainly good tools to manage pain–but ultimately the blood of Jesus is the only way to find true forgiveness and healing.

2. Look to Jesus in Prayer 

Jesus prayed and interceded for His enemies. He asked His Heavenly Father to forgive His executioners while they held the hammer and nails. What kind of love does that? Love that depends on prayer to do the heavy lifting.

Looking at Christ’s example of ultimate forgiveness keeps the list of wounds in perspective, whether they are major or minor hurts. He lived a life of forgiveness, died to secure it for you, and He wants you to release the very person who drives you crazy. 

Did you know it is ok to pray for God to defend you and for Him to pursue justice on your behalf? God’s really good at righting all of the wrongs here on this earth and in the life to come. Maybe it is time to sit back and watch God do His thing on your behalf? It’s ok to pray for that.

What if you began praying for the one who hurt you? Hurt people hurt others. When you take the other person off your own meat hooks, it does more than free up your mental space, it releases the other person to deal directly with God on the matter. Pray for mental release.

The Holy Spirit is more effective at changing the other person than you will ever be. Trust Him.

Forgiveness isn’t simply a one time deal. Sometimes it’s a daily or hourly choice when you are living smack in the middle of crisis. Seventy seven times and beyond requires more than human effort, it requires divine intervention.

Pray and dive into your Bible. Take time to listen to what God has to say on the matter. You have told Him your hurts, let Him bring you the healing through Scripture. Write down specific verses that encourage your heart on the matter.

3. Live In The Present

Be careful with bitterness. It is easy to run the risk of piling up more personal sins like slander, malice, and anger than the other person’s original offense. Don’t let bitterness settle in and rehearse past drama and trauma.

I’m not going to lie, laying down your heartache is going to hurt and you might have to go back in your past to work out details. You may need to surrender your rights or be misunderstood on a few things in order to be healthy again. But my friend, it will not hurt nearly as bad as harboring bitterness for year after year will. Bitterness keeps you bound to the hurt, but forgiveness will set you free.

It’s time to rip off the bandaid, friend. Short term pain for long term gain.

Forgiving isn’t forgetting. You can’t forget the offense, but you can live without it ruining your future. Forgiveness is letting go of the right to retaliate for the hurt that has been done to you; it doesn’t mean you forget the hurt. Forgiveness means you are choosing to relinquishing your right to vengence. Justice still demands a response, but it is no longer your concern-It’s God’s and He will do a great job of figuring it all out.

4 Practical Tips on How To Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

1. Take actionable steps whenever possible. If the conflict is in the past, don’t allow it define your future. Write a letter, send a text, and make that phone call to extend forgiveness if at all possible. If it’s impossible to do those things, ask the Lord for a creative way to symbolically and practically release the pain. For example placing flowers on a grave, releasing a balloon, setting off fireworks, or writing a specific word on a small stone and throwing it into a lake.
2. Seek wisdom. If the conflict is in the present, are you letting God help you in the heartache? Let the wisdom of Scripture be your guide. Do the harder thing-not because you are able, but because you trust in your Great Defender. Fast for discernment, pray for guidance, and dig into Scripture for wisdom. Seek godly counsel from a trusted mentor, pastor, or biblical counselor who can help you step into freedom.
3. Evaluate. What is God currently calling you to do in light of Christ’s commands? How is your hurt causing deeper wounds, and what step of faith do you need to take for wholeness? Is He calling you to take the high road and begin healing? If Jesus would over turn the table, why would you still be wanting to sit down there? Grab a journal or word document and begin writing out your thoughts and feelings. Try documenting your healing journey through audio or video recordings. Grab a set of notecards and write out Bible verses that will help give you daily clarity and keep you focused on your goal. Regardless of the method you choose, take special note of answered prayers and track your progress. Seeing how God is moving on your behalf is a huge part of forgiveness. When you are on the other side of this heartache, you will have a permanent record of His faithfulness.
4. Surrender. Have you laid your right to revenge down? Have you made the effort to stop emotionally beating everyone else up because you can’t let it go? Have you taken the time to repent of your bitterness? Are you praying without ceasing and using Scripture to battle the beast of bitterness? Sometimes it is better to let go, let God, and make a decision’s based on His word to move forward with the power of Christ. There is something about turning over heartache to the Lord and letting Him handle the matter. As you rest in the finished work of Jesus Christ and throw yourself on a God who is able to heal, peace will come. Forgiveness and wholeness can only be found through the power and the presence of Christ. Friend, He has a vested interest in seeing you live in freedom, and He won’t let you go.